I know I have been slacking on writing you guys and, for that, I apologize. 2012 was a wild year, full of ups and downs and many changes. Now that we are entering into 2013 and the Aquarian Age, I feel compelled to do everything I can to cleanse myself of old habits, thought patterns and behavior that is not supporting my dreams and growth. Last night, I had a conversation with a girlfriend who directed me to a blog that one of her friends and former Amazing Racer, Rebecca Cardon, is writing about cutting sex out of her life for 60 days. As I sunk into a hot epsom salt bath, I dove into the blog. It was engaging, honest, funny and struck a chord with me. (Check out her blog at http://rebeccalynncardon.blogspot.com/)
In reading about Rebecca’s journey to find her personal power without the validation of men wanting her, I realized this is EXACTLY what I need right now. I’ve been addicted to men for as long as I can remember. From charming my way into a 4.2 GPA in high school to flirting my way through Survivor, I’ve always sought out ways to attract men and get them involved in my drama so that I can feel pretty and wanted. Thoughts about men, relationships and sex occupy about 90% of my brain 90% of the time. Even when I’m starving, I find myself distractedly walking around the supermarket scanning the aisles for hot guys instead of the hot meal my body really needs.
This year I am seeking new depths of love and life. 40 days is the magic number to instate a new habit. With kundalini yoga, we do 40 day meditations to discard unhealthy habits and set ourselves in a new mindset. In Christianity, Jesus went into the desert to do a 40 day fast to get closer to God. I’m doing this 40 days of no flirting, sexting, dating or sex to rid myself of destructive dating habits and open myself up to discover what love really means for me. I’ve endured a slew of unsuccessful relationships and am tired of choosing guys that fill some kind of emptiness I have within myself. It’s time to take responsibility for the choices I’ve made and see that there isn’t anything wrong with the men I’ve been seeing, I just don’t know enough about who I am to choose a man that fits me.
As a yoga teacher and Survivor contestant, I have had some extensive experience with cleansing and fasting from certain foods. I’ve done juice cleanses to clear my mind and set myself in a state of deeper awareness of my habits around food. These cleanses have always opened my eyes to certain behaviors and emotions I had around eating, clearing the way for me to make new, healthier choices. I found that when I eat more greens, drink less coffee and eat less refined sugars and processed foods, I feel happier and more energetic. What if it’s the same thing with men? I’m fascinated to try this new experiment. I’m also terrified about what I may learn about myself. Anytime I do a cleanse, stuff comes up and it’s not usually very pretty. Since I can’t cover my emotions with a cookie or a glass of wine, I have to sit with the experience of what’s coming up for me.. tears, hysteria, pain, frustration, guilt, etc. and just be there. I have been single many times in my life, but this time I will be making a conscious, deliberate choice to forgo a man and just be with me. In essence, I am giving myself the gift of spending time getting to know myself, silly, sexy, smelly old me.
I have a feeling this is going to get messy.
If you guys are inspired to join me on my journey, I’d love to hear your comments!