Hello my darlings!
Something is inspiring me to want to lay it all out there for you guys. I’m having these wild, man-fast induced moments of clarity and I just need to bare my soul to whoever may stumble upon this journal entry.
Today, I’ve been feeling irrationally irritable and obstinate, overwhelmed by my own purity. I mean, no flirting?? It’s simply too much. Not using my powers of seduction to entertain myself throughout the day is a real buzzkill. I understand that it’s all for a higher purpose, and I do realize that once the toxic buildup of past habits clears, I’ll be able to make better choices in my love life, but all day long I’ve been pushing back against my own self imposed limits. Rules and regulations, cages or boxes tend to make me break out in a full sweat. If you want to see me bolt, just tell me I can’t leave. Freedom is what I seek and now that I’ve chosen to do this cleanse all I can do is try to escape it.
About five years ago, I was in a relationship with a much older man who pursued me for about three years before he wore me down enough to go on a date with him. One private jet to Cabo and a sunrise helicopter ride around Los Angeles later, I was head over heels. Yes, I do realize how shallow that makes me sound, so thanks for pointing that out. The relationship was tumultuous, to put it lightly. I was young and fascinated by the amount of power, presence and talent this man possessed. So much so, that I felt the need to keep up with his act. I just knew in order to keep him interested I had to be unbreakable, smart, charming and sexy.. like a Bond girl. I was manipulative, played power games and pretended I didn’t care. In reality, this man had my heart on a string. I was captivated. He kept his distance and then pulled me in. I retaliated by doing the same. When we were together, he could make me laugh so hard I cried. When he pulled away, he left me sobbing on the bathroom floor, collateral damage he never had a chance to see because I never let on that he actually had the power to hurt me.
One night at dinner, after another one of our heated back and forths, he looked me in the face with his trademark sly grin and said to me, “you’re so defiant.” Instantly, I reacted, “I am NOT!” He then went on to tell me, “You are an amazing girl, Parvati. You have so much potential.”
I was pissed. “First of all, I am a WOMAN and I am perfect. Are you trying to say I am not good enough as I am? What do you mean, I have potential?!”
That word “potential” was like a dagger through the heart. And “defiant?” Seriously, what did he mean by using those words? Truthfully, I didn’t have the courage to face facts, so I acted irate and made him take me home that instant.
Now, looking back, I’m laughing at this moment because I can finally see my defiance. All day, I have been resisting this chance I’ve given myself to get a clear look at my habits so that I can make healthy changes in my behavior. My old comfy brain patterning is being disrupted and it wants to push back with all it’s irritated force. This 40 day process is going to take my letting go, so that I can shed the skin of the girl who’s trying to prove herself worthy and accept the complexity of the woman that lives within.
Today’s insight sheds light on the fact that, yes, I am a work in progress and yes, I do have potential. So thanks, P, for letting me know. It’s only taken me 5 years to see it myself.
Day 2: Worthy.