Parvati Shallow » Life Explored

Moving Beyond Anger and Anxiety

From Jacinta: How do you deal with anger and anxiety?

Hi Jacinta-

imagesIn order to move beyond anger and anxiety, we need to work with their opposites.

The opposite of anger is forgiveness. Let’s do a little exercise; think about being angry at someone. How does that feel in your body? Your heart contracts, your chest tightens up, and your jaw clenches. Now, forgive that person and forgive yourself. Let the anger go by replacing it with forgiveness, even if you don’t believe that you are ready to forgive. Watch as a lightness comes over your heart, your chest lifts and expands, and your lips turn up in a smile.

If you have been deeply hurt or violated by another person, the hardest thing to do is to let go of your anger. But if you really think about it, the anger you are holding inside yourself is only hurting you. You are suffering because you are keeping this anger in your body. Forgiveness is a practice of self-love. Begin by forgiving yourself. Then, if you can, shift your perspective and see the situation from the other person’s point of view. See the hurt, pain, and fear that the caused the other person to do the thing that you are angry about. Understanding breeds compassion.

I know that forgiving someone you are really angry at may sound like an impossible task. If you’re not ready to forgive yet, it will help to wake up each morning and do a yoga set to release the anger from your musculature. Here is a link to a kundalini yoga set that you can practice to relieve inner anger:

Here is a link to another great article and an easy meditation to do to release anger:

Now let’s look at anxiety and it’s opposite, trust. Anxiety again occurs when we are listening to that big voice of fear that lives within us. It’s the voice of the ego that wants to protect us from getting hurt, being embarrassed, or looking stupid. The ego is our limited self. It tells us what we cannot do and why we cannot do it. Our dreams are the voice of our soul. Our dreams guide us to our happiest, most joyful, enlightened versions of ourselves.

Listen to your dreams. What is the wildest thing you can imagine that brings a sense of excitement, and makes you feel alive with hope and anticipation?

“Fear is excitement without the breath.” Fritz Pearls

Once you know what you want to do, take a deep breath into your chest, expand your diaphragm and know that your spirit placed that dream within you because you have all the necessary tools to accomplish it. You’ve got this. Trust that you are enough, and you have what it takes.

In order to build self-trust, do things that you are afraid to do, and keep doing those things. Let go of the outcome, and just have fun with being a beginner. When you see babies learning how to walk, you don’t see them beating themselves up because all the adults around them are running already. You see them playfully wobbling around, falling, and trying again. Bring that childlike spirit into your life, and trust that you will eventually learn to walk, then run, then sprint, then climb, and so on. You simply have to begin by taking one single step.

This is my favorite meditation to calm down anxiety:

I hope this helps you. Please keep me updated on your journey.

Good luck!


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jacinta - thankyou, great perspective

Glenn - Thanks so much for sharing that! It’s so funny – in 32 years, I don’t think I’ve ever made that connection between Anxiety and Trust/Fear. It’s so obvious now reading it! Great piece, completely spot on – much appreciated! :-)

The Heart Rules

From Naomi:

Hey Parvati, I was wondering do you go with your gut or heart in decisions? Or does it just depend. Please elaborate.

Dear Naomi,

Your heart holds the essence of who you are.

My heart tells me what I truly want by expanding and getting lighter when some activity, person or place strikes a chord within me. When I tap into and listen to my heart’s wisdom, I am always in the right place at the right time.

Listening to your heart can be tricky because sometimes we chase our dreams and get rejected. Rejection hurts, and when we have our feelings hurt, our heart’s natural tendency is to close up and protect itself, pushing away the thing that rejected us. I don’t know about you, but I’m an emotional being. If I allow my emotions to dictate my actions, I can get in big trouble. I’ve learned that the more time I devote to fostering a relationship with my heart the more I can trust myself to not make any impulsive, destructive moves out of fear.

It’s our challenge to get very still in moments of contraction caused by fear, hurt, or anger. If we can be quiet and understand what caused the pain, we can realize that it’s ok to feel these emotions, and we can conti


nue to move forward in life with wide open hearts. Trust me, when you’re hurting, this takes work. You have to consciously move toward opening your heart, pulling your shoulders back and expanding your chest.

Above all, you must do the thing that your heart is telling you to do.

Your gut works as an ally to your heart. Your gut is your power center. It houses your instinctive reactions to your environment and helps you make quick, powerful decisions about people and opportunites.

Get in touch with your body. When you strengthen your core with physical exercise (like pilates, dance, or spinning) you will also strengthen your personal power. You will become more courageous and begin to trust yourself as you make a strong connection with your body’s natural wisdom and your ability to make intuitive choices in life.

Thanks for the fantastic question!

I’d love to hear from all of you about how you make decisions. Where does your head fit in with your decision making? Is it all heart for you or is your gut in control, too?



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Norman Ogden - Yes my guru master ,your one speacial Lady, did you ever hear of ann landers she s has nothing on you ,whats next ? thanks parvati —craig

Kristin - Hi Parvati! I just wanted to tell you that I LOVE your new haircut! Sooo cute!
I love your blog and I really need your help! PLEASE! What advice do you have to help me get out of my depression, gain my self-confidence back, and getting back into shape? I have tried different diets and workout programs but they didn’t really work.
I have pretty much lost all self-confidence and I feel so depressed and unhappy all the time. It’s impossible to get myself motivated especially when I feel so horrible about myself. In today’s society there are so many negative forces helping you to feel down on yourself; not to mention other girls our age making you feel that way as well. I just feel like my overall well-being needs to be reawakened. I feel like I’m just a big mess and feel like I am in such a dark pit that I need to get my mind, body, heart and soul out of and get back to the happy, outgoing girl I use to be.
I look forward to your help!
P.S. you are still the Queen of Survivor =)
<3 Kristin <3

Tyler Cliff - Hey! Your insight is very heart warming and positive. That kind of soul food keeps me going. Much appreciated. Also I agree with you on the gut vs. heart controversy. Most people follow their gut when in situations where they need to make quick and important decisions. Other times people might not follow their hearts but their heads, which is a pity.

Parvati - Hi Kristin- If you have been happy and outgoing in the past, you can be that again. Just start with one thing. Focus on what you want to become, not what is holding you back. Make a vision board by cutting out pictures from magazines that make you feel happy and excited about life. Surround yourself with people, colors, and images that uplift you. Remove yourself from negative situations. Happiness is a choice you make. You are in control of what you focus on and what you pay attention to will grow. I hope this helps!

Kristin - Parvati, Thank you so much for taking the time to share your advice with me; I know you are a very busy girl and it means so much to me to hear back from you. You are such an inspiration to me and I will definitely try your suggestions. I feel like I have so much I want to ask you so I may be asking for your help again in the near future.

Lou - Wow, what an amazing answer. I randomly came across this today and it’s perfect advice at a perfect time. Thank you.

How to Make Friends Fast.

From Tyler: The ability to communicate effectively and meaningfully with people around us in our daily lives is one of, if not THE most important skills to possess in order to have an enriched experience. What advice do you have for someone who struggles to make connections easily with those around them, and what techniques do you employ to make communication and relationship cultivating easier for yourself?

Dear Tyler,

Right on! Effective communication is vital in creating meaningful relationships and having a full, happy life. I’m going to approach this question in two parts, addressing verbal and non-verbal communication. Open body language as well as empathic spoken words can help to build bonds with others. Forging real connections is all about getting present with yourself and allowing other people to see and know the true you.

Here are my tricks for making friends fast:

1. Become aware of your body language. When you walk into a room with your shoulders back, standing tall, others will assume you are confident and open. They will be drawn to you and want to meet you. On the contrary, if you’re sitting in the corner with your arms and legs crossed, people will see you as closed off and they will tend to leave you alone to wallow in your misery.


How’s this for body language?

2. Smile.  A smile is an invitation, a true gesture of warmth and friendliness. In addition to making you more approachable, studies have shown that the act of smiling can actually make you feel better, too.

“Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles.” - George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans)

3. Empathize. One of the fastest ways to develop a connection with another person is to empathize with him. Merriam-Webster defines empathy as, the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions. If someone you know is going through a tough time, allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your own experiences. Be honest and show compassion without judgement, and you will be amazed at how fast your friendship roster skyrockets.

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” – Brené Brown

4. Listen. In order to truly connect with someone, you must really listen and hear what he is saying. Make eye contact, absorb the full context of the conversation, including verbal and non-verbal cues, affirm what you are hearing, and allow the person to finish before you respond. Listening to someone with your full presence is an incredible gift of generosity and love, which will be repaid in abundant, meaningful relationships. 

Check out this video for examples of  these techniques: what not to do when you’re trying to make friends.

Thank you, Tyler, for your thoughtful question. May your communication be enriched and your relationships be fruitful.

If any of you guys have something to add, I’d love to hear your communication and connection strategies. Leave a comment and keep this conversation going!




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Tyler Cliff - Thank you so much for this :). Anyone who has watched Survivor knows how likable a person you are. It means so much to me that you’re sharing tips and advice for others to become more likable too. Self esteem has been a long issue for me in my life as I am shy but seeing how confident and likable a person you are I can’t help but admire you and want to become more confident and likable too and this post has greatly helped me to accomplish that so thank you so so much. You have no idea how inspiring your blog is for me. Once again, thank you and you inspire me in so many ways :).

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